My brain has been whirring today, churning through my feelings and thoughts.
I let myself be upset for a while over the whole boyfriend thing. I think I’ve probably been a little harsh there. Or maybe not, I don’t know, but the boyfriend issue isn’t even really the issue.
For a few weeks now, I’ve been on the edge of tears almost constantly. It hasn’t taken much to push me over the edge, but still, I haven’t let myself have a really big cry. I’ve been telling myself I wanted to, but it just hasn’t happened.
I think I’ve needed the boyfriend issue as a catalyst. Admittedly, there are aspects of that situation that have got me down too, but I’ve kind of used that as an excuse instead of dealing with the actual issues.
That is to say, my grief over the dissolution of my relationship. 20 years. Gone.
I’ve spent most of today crying. Earlier it was brokenhearted weeping, but now it is more resigned sadness. And I’ve needed to do this; it’s a step of the grief process I haven’t permitted myself to take so far and it’s been cathartic and oddly productive. Because I feel like I’m getting somewhere and because today I’ve managed to achieve a few things, in between bouts of crying.
I realised today I’ve been putting off this step of the grief process for a while. Looking back at some of my earlier posts, I was clearly quite distraught. But instead of letting myself feel that way, I decided I needed to start dating. To distract myself from my feelings of sadness. Because if some guy thought I was pretty, I’d feel better, right?? And then the boyfriend came along and I got caught up in the fantasy of our infatuation with one another. But, as I said, reality caught up with us, and it came to a crashing halt. And my postponed grief has come bubbling to the surface, and I’ve overreacted to things which are pretty minor in the grand scheme of things.
So, today I’ve finally acknowledged my grief, and more importantly, allowed myself to experience it for what it is.
Today I also lugged a big heavy hall table that I bought for $15 on Gumtree up the stairs to my flat all by myself. I rearranged the bedroom I share with my daughter. I put up a few more pictures around the flat and decided that my new ‘thing’ is to buy quirky pictures from op shops. I spent some time on Meetup, joined a few groups and committed to a couple of upcoming events, because I seriously, desperately need to get out more, especially on the weeks that the kids aren’t here.
So, like I said, oddly productive day.
And now I miss my boyfriend.